Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

Every man worth his salt has contemplated what they would do in the event of a Zombie outbreak. You may think that raiding the local armoury and shooting the blighters with machine guns would be your style in a scene that would be reminiscent of a Zombie version of Saving Private Ryan. You may have thought that grabbing a machete and heading head first into the pack of zombies, slicing at their limbs would be an enticing way of dealing with Zombie scum. Below is one way the modern man can deal with a Zombie Apocalypse. 

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1. Choose an appropriate place of residence
 The modern man is aware of the perils that a zombie apocalypse brings. Ideally, moving to a grand abode such as a Scottish castle would be your best bet for safety. Here the modern man will be safe from zombie attack, thanks to impassable moats and the rugged terrain of Scotland’s highlands. In your castle, the afternoons can be spent in safety, watching the zombies from the battlements.

2. Bring the right weapons with you

With a bit of luck, you may be able to find a working cannon and cannonballs in your highland retreat. If this is the case then you may spend an enjoyable day blasting the zombie fiends from above. However, if this is not the case then it is recommended that you take with you a hunting rifle with ample ammunition, sniping zombies from the battlements; a fantastic pastime. A crowbar or an axe would come in very handy for close combat (and a useful tool for opening locked doors in a hurry). Defence is important, but knowing the right weapons to use is just as important. You should never bring a knife to a gunfight, and equally you should never take on the living dead without the proper equipment.

3. Grab yourself a fine whisky
There is no finer substance in life or more highly valued in times of great peril than a good stiff drink, especially in the face of human decimation. In the event of a zombie apocalypse the modern man should 
relax, savour the fine aromas of an exquisite single malt. He should not be fazed by such trifling problems as a mass of zombies on his doorstep, instead, acknowledge his good lot in life; the zombies won’t be able to enjoy such fine drinks, so make the most of what you've got.

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4. Put on some fine classical music
Classical music should not be sniffed at. Personal recommendations include Beethoven’s 7th Symphony Movement 2 and O Fortuna from Carl Orff’s opera, Carmina Burana. The epic tones of Carl Orff’s classic will also provide the perfect soundtrack to blasting zombies. As said by playwright George Bernard Shaw, "without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable."

5. Bring food with you
Unlike the masses of the undead, the modern man will need food and drink to live. Drink should not be a problem with the never-ending rainfall that the Scottish Highlands brings, however you will need containers to collect the water and a water purifier (or simply boiling the collected water) to ensure that it is fit for human consumption.
For food, the obvious choice would be to gather up all the canned goods you can get your hands on (just don't forget the tin opener). However, for the more ambitious man, bringing a herd of cattle with you to the castle (that’s right, a herd of cattle) would be more rewarding, giving you access to beef and fresh milk. Obviously this will be the hardest task for the modern man, but what is the modern man if not resourceful and ambitious? 

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6. Research

 There is an endless library of research material out there to help you understand the fundamental dos and donts of survival, in the forms of comics, films, TV series (AMC's the Walking Dead comes strongly recommended), books (The Zombie Survival Guide being a good one to start with), video games etc etc. There is a wealth of knowledge out there so take full advantage of these resources while they are still easily accessible to you. The modern man needs to prepare for the unthinkable, after all, as Winston Churchill said, "he who fails to plan, is planning to fail."

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