Summer Detox

As what little Summer we had quickly slips away, it is likely the modern man has become a larger mammal than he once was mere months ago.

Excessive Pimms binge-drinking sessions, consuming as much as possible at numerous barbecues and work or family gatherings, trying new and exotic foods at festivals such as Ostrich burgers or Kangaroo steaks (of course washed down with gallons of beer) it is understandable why summer is an easy time for mass consumtion.

The modern man must shed the extra few pounds to return back to his idea fighting weight.

Some down-time is required to detox.

A one or two day juice fast is good for cleansing the body of unwanted toxins and gives the digestive system a chance to rest (it is said that approximately 65% of the body's energy goes into digesting food after a heavy meal). It may sound absurd to the meat loving man but it has many health benefits.

It can also boost mental awareness and sharpen the man's senses; very useful in times where the country is rioting and looting, the modern man must be constantly on his toes and ready to take action at any given time.

Other benefits from a short fast include more restful sleep, creativity, clearer skin, weight loss to name but a few... 

The man knows beer is bad but the man still drinks.

He needs to drink once in a while, and once in a while is not bad. The man has self control.

Pommegranate juice should be drunk. The pomegranate yeilds rare medical benefits and is delicious also. Packed full of antitoxidants and high in vitamins C, E, and A, a glass a day can reduce stress, lower blood pressure, lowers cholesterol, reduce risk of heart disease and cancer among other things...

Pomegranate-juice

The modern man does worry what other men think about his new love for the pomegranate.

 

 


 

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I like reading. The good thing about books is you can take them anywhere, and in turn, they can take you anywhere. They can take you to Mordor or Las Vegas or Tralfamadore or deepest Africa. 

Their pages of black and white have the ability to fill your imagination with the most vivid of colours.

They fit in your pocket, your bag, you coat. They are soft like a woman's touch, and they have history. Their pages turn yellow and they smell musty yet they have history. The history of being read, enjoyed, hated, loved. Inspiration, emotion and knowledge all lie within them.

You can toss them across a room and not worry if they break

You can get them wet and leave them to dry.

 

 

 

You can't take a Kindle to the beach worry-free. You can't leave it the sand while you go in for a dip.

You cant drop it or smell it or touch it or feel it. It goes against thousands of years of tradition. A revolution, perhaps? But a revolution not needed.

You cant display them on a bookshelf or lend them to your friends.

A book wont freeze on you.

A book wont run out of battery, it does not need software updates.

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Surviving An Alien Invasion

Consider this; there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on every beach on Earth added together, and each star in the sky is a sun, just like ours, most of them with solar systems of their very own. In the infinite number of solar systems it is naive to truly believe that intelligent life doesn't exist somewhere else out there in vastness of the unknown. Have no illusions; the day that aliens land on earth will change everyones lives, forever. It is not a question of if, it is a question of when.


Behold: the modern man's guide to surviving and alien invasion.


1) Find out their intentions

Depending of the general demeanor of the visitor, hostile or friendly, be it a friendly E.T. or cuddly Ewok type creature, drawn to us by curiosity of what wonderous things our blue planet might have to offer, or be it a more dangerous, mindlessly hostile invader, like Ridley Scott's xenomorph or the Independence Day intruders, will ultimately make the decision for you as to how to treat the arrival of these intergalactic beings.

The last thing a man wants to do is to misinterpret a friendly alien signal as a hostile gesture and start a brawl if it can be avoided; the man needs to keep his wits about him when faced with something completely foreign. There is no possible way of telling how a situation like this could go down.

From here on we shall assume the aliens are hostile.

 

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2) Hide

Let us assume that the aliens are not peaceful. They want Earth all for themselves, but to do that they must first exterminate the vermin that is the human race. Yes you can try and fight them, but lets face it, if they are able to fly from one side of the universe to the other in a spaceship, they are probably more technologically advanced than the modern man, and could zap your pistol with their ray guns before you even had a chance to pull the trigger. If they came here to invade they would have come prepared.

Locate a disused bomb shelter, or better still, make your way to a cave in the middle of nowhere where no soul would think of looking.

It is best to avoid civilization, as this is where the invaders will target most. Here in your fortress of safety, the man is able to remove himself from harm, gather his thoughts and plan his attack strategy.

Ensure that you bring with you enough supplies to last you at least two months, and that you have a radio with you at all times in case of contact from other survivors.

Stormtrooper


3) Take down the mothership

The mothership is the key source of alien power and will need to be taken down. The modern man should be fearless and take to the skies to tackle the mothership head on. The modern man, however, should not be stupid; better to stay behind the main pack and judge the situation. If all of the human pilots are being zapped left, right and centre by the alien's superior technology then it might be time for plan B and who is better to enact such a plan than the modern man?

As seen in Independence Day, you can easily take down an entire fleet of hovering spaceships by simply uploading a handy virus onto the mothership's system, although considering we cant even get PCs and Macs to work together, somehow Earth's technology is compatible with the alien's.

Another option for a quick fix is if you have little experience in computer hacking is to find the alien leader and assassinate him. It will be a stealthy and truly risky mission, but as you know from countless films; if you take out the leader, the empire will crumble. Get your hands on a sniper rifle and find yourself a good hiding place. 

 

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4) Plan B

In this scenario, Plan B wisely states, "do not consider this as high treason or a betrayal toward your fellow man; the modern man's intentions are always good." Learn the ways of the alien, build up trust and a way of communicating with the them (providing they don't zap you on sight).

The modern man could do a lot more for the restoration of the human race by cooperating with the enemy, learning their ways, how they live, their technologies etc etc.

The man should learn from their wisdom and most importantly; learn their weaknesses. Like exploiting the weakness of the first Death Star; by simply knowing your enemy's Achilles heel gives you the edge. Use what you learn to your advantage. Exploit it.


5) Coup

Although it may sound like the noise a pigeon makes, we are referring to a military coup. Once the modern man has gained the alien’s trust and all the inside information he needs to defeat the aliens then it is time to betray them. The modern man must be discreet and cunning, recruiting like minded men to help him in exploiting the aliens’ weaknesses. In time the modern man will be ready to lead the patriotic charge against the aliens, finally forcing them back to their homeland... or if he’s unlucky, lead a suicide charge and end up with the epitaph, “Here lies a twat.”

 

 

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St Valentines Preparations.

As Valentine's day fast approaches, the modern man must find a thoughtful gift for his beloved other half. It is the time of year the man should drop his iron guard and reveal his inner romantic.

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The modern man desperately tries to avoid cliches to prove how innovative and thoughtful he is, but the woman loves a good old fashioned love story. Surprise her with something classic; flowers and chocolates. Do it in a way that gives her something to remember and tell her friends about (in a good way). 

A massage and dinner somewhere fancy would be on the right track for a romantic evening. Dress up nice, make the effort. She will appreciate it.

Plan ahead and book somewhere in advance. Avoid the embarrassment of being forced to taking her to Burger King when you discover everywhere else is packed wall to wall with hungry, table-desperate couples. Do not drink in excess on this night. 

Invest in a genie head massager to and use it on her to help her relax and unwind at the end of your night. She deserves it.

This is the time of year that money should be no object, so set aside a little leading up to the 14th so you can really splash out on her. If there is one time a year you should avoid being a cheapskate, this is it. 

 

Filed under  //  gift ideas   valentines  
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Cocktails: King of Leon

I recently saw this on a cocktail menu in a bar, so, intrigued, I attempted to make it at home to see what it was like. It is pretty lethal in large doses, two demons fighting inside of you; one demon being the alcohol trying to escort you into sweet oblivion and the other being the sugar and the caffeine desperately trying to keep you from sleeping. It is a real party drink; a careful balance and a potentially cataclysmic combination of elements.

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To make a King Of Leon you will need to put into a glass with a few chunks of ice and some lemon and lime wedges: 

  • 2 measures of Smirnoff Vodka
  • 1 measure of Cuervo Tequila
  • Top the glass up with Monster Energy Drink 

I don't know exactly why it's called a King Of Leon. Maybe they themselves drink it, perhaps whoever first came up it was big KOL fan, or perhaps it is designed to be the perfect rock star drink; highly alcoholic yet you'll be up for the whole party.

 

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Food: Baked Alaska

If you are planning on impressing anybody with your kitchen skills, be it family, friend or foe, this dessert will ensure just that. Also known as a glace au four, the Baked Alaska is an intriguing dessert, boasting both hot, gooey meringue and soft cold ice cream. 

Firstly you will need

  • a small sponge flan case (85g approx)
  • a fruit jam of your choice (strawberry of cherry work well)
  • 500ml of good quality ice cream
  • 3 medium egg whites
  • 2 tablespoons of apple juice
  • 125g golden caster sugar

1) Put the flan case on an ovenproof plate or dish (a foil pie dish works fine) and drizzle the apple juice over the base, allowing a little time fort the flan to soak up the juice.

2) Spread the jam evenly over the base and stick the ice cream evenly spread out on top of it. Ensure it resembles some sort of dome-like shape. After you have done that, place it on a flat surface in the freezer while you make your meringue mix.

3) To make the meringue, whisk the egg whites with an electric whisk until they turn white and thick. When they sit in stiff peaks, you are ready to start adding your sugar. If the mix is still runny, keep whisking. 

MANLY NOTE: do not get any yolk in with your egg whites, this will stop the meringue from working.

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4) Keep whisking, gradually add your sugar, until your mix is smooth and glossy and stiffly peaking. When it is ready, you should be able to lift the bowl above your head, upside down, without it tipping.

5) Get the prepared base out of the freezer and use a pallet knife to spread the meringue, ensuring it completely covers the ice cream and seals the sponge cake edge. Return the the freezer for at least an hour before serving.

6) To serve, preheat the oven to 220°c/200°c fan/gas mark 7. Take the alaska straight out of the freezer into the oven and wait 4 or 5 minutes until the meringue starts to tinge brown. Serve immediately.

Filed under  //  baked alaska   dessert   food  
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5 Manly Ways To Relieve Stress

Whether is be money problems, woman troubles, job related woes or something personal, modern life is stressful. It is a fact.

A few centuries ago, a man could release his anger by sticking an axe into the head of his enemies in the heat of battle, but this sort of thing is generally frowned upon today. The modern man needs to adapt and find new ways to vent his frustration.

1) Take a trip to the bottlebank

Nothing can replace the feeling of violently shoving all the beer bottles you've collected over the past few months into the glass-hungry mouth of a bottlebank and listening to the glorious sound of shattering glass. It is surprisingly satisfying, and probably the most eco-friendly stressbuster out there.

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2) Do something destructive

You may want to ram your fists into the back of the slow moving, heavy-breathing slob's head who is taking an age to walk up a flight of stairs in front of you, but you mustn't. It is not the modern man way.

Instead, destroy something that doesn't matter. An old newspaper can be quite fun to rip, punch and kick. Ripping paper is a well known stress relief. Better still, invest in a punchbag. It doesn't require any cleaning up and is cheaper than fixing a fist shaped hole in the wall.

3) Go for a long run

A form of beneficial self punishment. Grab your ipod, put on something with a strong mid-tempo beat and run with it. Embrace the pain of aching limbs and keep pushing yourself until you forget about what is was that sent you running in the first place.

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Download 45:33 by LCD Soundsystem from somewhere; a 45:58 minute long piece of music commissioned by Nike, designed to accompany jogging workouts. It is a pretty good listen.

4) Watch an action film

Watch something like Die Hard, Casino Royale, Terminator 2 or The Bourne Identity, anything with lots of explosions and fight sequences to feed your thirst for destruction. Turn it up loud and watch someone else blow up a building as you relax in comfort from your armchair with vast quantities of beer.

5) Write an angry letter 

Write an angry letter to your boss (or whoever if making your life a misery) telling them exactly what you think of them. Tell them all the things you would never dare say to their face, all the things that society prevents you from saying to a person. Note: it is important to retain your dignity and never send it to the person or show anybody. In fact, after you have calmed down, it is best to destroy the evidence completely. 

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Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

Every man worth his salt has contemplated what they would do in the event of a Zombie outbreak. You may think that raiding the local armoury and shooting the blighters with machine guns would be your style in a scene that would be reminiscent of a Zombie version of Saving Private Ryan. You may have thought that grabbing a machete and heading head first into the pack of zombies, slicing at their limbs would be an enticing way of dealing with Zombie scum. Below is one way the modern man can deal with a Zombie Apocalypse. 

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1. Choose an appropriate place of residence
 The modern man is aware of the perils that a zombie apocalypse brings. Ideally, moving to a grand abode such as a Scottish castle would be your best bet for safety. Here the modern man will be safe from zombie attack, thanks to impassable moats and the rugged terrain of Scotland’s highlands. In your castle, the afternoons can be spent in safety, watching the zombies from the battlements.

2. Bring the right weapons with you

With a bit of luck, you may be able to find a working cannon and cannonballs in your highland retreat. If this is the case then you may spend an enjoyable day blasting the zombie fiends from above. However, if this is not the case then it is recommended that you take with you a hunting rifle with ample ammunition, sniping zombies from the battlements; a fantastic pastime. A crowbar or an axe would come in very handy for close combat (and a useful tool for opening locked doors in a hurry). Defence is important, but knowing the right weapons to use is just as important. You should never bring a knife to a gunfight, and equally you should never take on the living dead without the proper equipment.

3. Grab yourself a fine whisky
There is no finer substance in life or more highly valued in times of great peril than a good stiff drink, especially in the face of human decimation. In the event of a zombie apocalypse the modern man should 
relax, savour the fine aromas of an exquisite single malt. He should not be fazed by such trifling problems as a mass of zombies on his doorstep, instead, acknowledge his good lot in life; the zombies won’t be able to enjoy such fine drinks, so make the most of what you've got.

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4. Put on some fine classical music
Classical music should not be sniffed at. Personal recommendations include Beethoven’s 7th Symphony Movement 2 and O Fortuna from Carl Orff’s opera, Carmina Burana. The epic tones of Carl Orff’s classic will also provide the perfect soundtrack to blasting zombies. As said by playwright George Bernard Shaw, "without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable."

5. Bring food with you
Unlike the masses of the undead, the modern man will need food and drink to live. Drink should not be a problem with the never-ending rainfall that the Scottish Highlands brings, however you will need containers to collect the water and a water purifier (or simply boiling the collected water) to ensure that it is fit for human consumption.
For food, the obvious choice would be to gather up all the canned goods you can get your hands on (just don't forget the tin opener). However, for the more ambitious man, bringing a herd of cattle with you to the castle (that’s right, a herd of cattle) would be more rewarding, giving you access to beef and fresh milk. Obviously this will be the hardest task for the modern man, but what is the modern man if not resourceful and ambitious? 

Zombie
6. Research

 There is an endless library of research material out there to help you understand the fundamental dos and donts of survival, in the forms of comics, films, TV series (AMC's the Walking Dead comes strongly recommended), books (The Zombie Survival Guide being a good one to start with), video games etc etc. There is a wealth of knowledge out there so take full advantage of these resources while they are still easily accessible to you. The modern man needs to prepare for the unthinkable, after all, as Winston Churchill said, "he who fails to plan, is planning to fail."

Filed under  //  apocalypse   survival   zombie  
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Cocktails: The White Russian

Jeffery "The Dude" Lebowski's sipping drink of choice, the White Russian (also reffered to as a caucasian) has gained a huge cult following since the release of The Big Lebowski in 1998; a wise choice for all-day drinking. 

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Normally served in an old fashioned glass with ice cubes, you will need:

  • Two measures of Vodka
  • One measure of Kahlua (you can use other coffee liqueurs like Tia Maria, but I find Kahlua is the best tasting)
  • Fill the rest of the glass up with cream (or indeed milk) and you have a White Russian.

White-russian

Despite it's delicious taste, White Russians are highly alcoholic. Remember this; the caucasian is a sipping beverage.

Shake your White Russian using a mixing tin and watch it transform it into a Dirty Bird. Replace the milk with Coca Cola and you have a Dirty Black Russian. If you are feeling particularly tropical, try replacing the Vodka with White Rum and you've got yourself a White Cuban. 

Maravilloso!

Filed under  //  cocktails   drink   the big lebowski   the dude   white russian  
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Travel: Trains.

If you cannot drive, trains are your best bet for the modern man to get from place to place long distance. Every under 25 year old should own a Young Persons Railcard, available online or at most stations, to enjoy a third off all train travel.

Although at times, travelling by train can be a horrific, grueling and frustrating experience, with delays and replacement bus services making you lose the will to live, they can be your best friend if you are prepared (which the modern man needs to be), giving you time to reflect and enjoy some serious you time or catch up on some well deserved rest.

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If you are privileged enough to own an iPhone, you can pass the time by playing Angry Birds until the cows come home, but for us less fortunate, we must find other more tradional ways to amuse ourselves. 

 In your manbag, (a leather holdall with lots of compartments, or faux leather depending on your budget, comes recommended for both practicality and style) ensure that you pack a good book, a few magazines, a bottle of water and a delicious sandwich.

Bring a bag of sweets if you have a sweet tooth, and make sure your iPod is fully charged and updated with a few new albums to listen to on your journey. There is nothing worse than to set off on an 8 hour voyage, only to find your mp3 player running out of juice within the first ten minutes. If you have the technological capablity, perhaps upload a few episodes of Family Guy or South Park (or whatever takes your fancy) onto your iPod for some lighthearted comic relief. 

Patience is a desirable quality in any man, and is necessary for any long journey. Learn to enjoy your own company and you will wish your journey lasted longer. 

Of course, the beauty of the train journey is that it need not be spent in total solitude if you are feeling particularly social. Try striking up a conversation with an old lady or a respectable looking fellow man and run through your ever-improvable talking skills. You never know what you might learn from a talkative stranger.


 

 

 

Filed under  //  trains   travel  
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